Our Loss

One event in our lives that has spurred us into wanting to become parents has been the loss of an unintended pregnancy.  You know the old saying that sometimes you don't know how badly you wanted something until it's gone.​​​​​​​​  Well, that was definitely us.

M and I had talked about finally trying to get pregnant at the beginning of this year, around my 41st birthday.  I was then working at a job that wasn't my dream job, but one I had found after several months of unemployment following a layoff in the spring of 2009.  It was a position that was definitely beneath my talents and years of experience, but it paid enough to cover bills and was in the field that I had been working in.  Unfortunately, it was working for a man that was a complete and total a-hole.  And who made my life a living hell, to the point that I was throwing up before work, and even when I had time off away from the job, such as weekends, I was driving myself and my husband crazy worrying about the job, stressing about Toxic Boss, and generally making myself sick.

In February, I told my husband that there was no way I wanted to get pregnant while still working for Toxic Boss, and to try to raise a child under that kind of stress.  We agreed that we would concentrate our efforts on finding me a better job first instead.

That luckily happened sooner than I thought...as I found a position much more in line to my skill set at a different company, working for people who I knew from my previous professional life, and who truly valued my work ethic and my experience.  I started May 24th and immediately my mental health took a turn for the better.  M and I agreed that we would wait three months before trying to get pregnant, to give me time to adjust and also because that's when my new insurance benefits would kick in. 

It seems that nature had other ideas.

In late June, I was a couple of days late.  I am never late.  There were no other signs, but I decided to take a pregnancy test anyway.  And lo and behold, it was positive.  We were totally in shock for the first day.  After all, we had spent the last fifteen years trying to avoid pregnancy, the fact that we had become pregnant without deliberately trying, at our ages, was amazing to us.  Gradually, as the shock wore off, we embraced the fact that we were going to be parents, and started planning for the future. 

We started telling people within the first two weeks of finding out, though in the back of our minds we wondered, "Is it too early?".  My parents were thrilled.  They used to pressure us all the time about when we were going to give them a grandchild, but in the past couple of years, had kind of given up hope and had turned their attention towards getting my younger sister married off and pregnant.  M's dad was pretty happy too.  He got the news from us the day after he found out his favorite cousin had passed away, so it was bittersweet.  Our siblings were excited, our friends were thrilled.  We announce the news on our Facebook pages. 

And then, two days later, the bleeding started.  I went in to the doctor's office where I was given an ultrasound.  I sat in the doctor's office for what seems like an eternity and waited until he finally came in to tell me it looked like my baby stopped growing at six weeks and that there is no heartbeat.  We were devastated.  The actual, physical loss came a few days later and it is something I would not wish on my worst enemy. 

I had done the research and I knew at my age there was an increased risk of miscarriage, but you are never truly prepared for it, until it happens to you.  My husband, the global thinker, looks at the world from the point of overpopulation and overconsumption, and even he was not prepared with the gut-wrenching sadness that comes from such a personal loss, such a heartache that it took him almost by surprise.

As comes naturally to many women, I worried that this happened because of something I did wrong.  Too much caffeine?  Too many glasses of wine before I knew I was pregnant?  My doctor has assured me that this was not my fault, but I know that this time around I am not going to take any chances. 

It's been three months and although I still get sad when I think about it, but I also believe that things happen for a reason.  All I know is that I hope we are able to get pregnant again, but that we don't have to suffer the same loss again.  The one time was definitely enough. 

Intro

First post, new blog, and I am very excited for the experience.

This is intended for the most part to document my journey towards finally becoming a mother (hopefully!), but also to record my musings, opinions, life experiences.  When I was young, I dreamed one day of becoming a writer.  I used to write short stories, dream up ideas for books, and wrote for the school newspaper and yearbook.  Somehow in the middle of college, I just…fell out of it.  I don’t know what happened, but I vaguely remember a freshman writing group and receiving some pretty harsh criticism on a story I had based on a personal experience, being told it was “elitist, trite” and in short, “not very good.”  I can still taste the feeling of being so wounded by those words.  It seems funny to think about it now, after all this time.  I’ve always wanted to believe that I’m the type of person that can accept criticism, but this experience humbled me and since then, I’ve always wondered whether it’s the reason I stopped writing.

I’ve followed the blogs of other people for years now, and have always wanted to start one.  Now just feels like the right time.  My husband and I are on the cusp of a major life change, finally trying to have a baby after seventeen years together, fifteen of them married, and having weathered a series of ups and downs, the “downs” being definitely more extreme than the “ups.”  We feel that we are finally in a place in life where we would be good parents, as we have finally reached a point where we are good not only to each other, but to ourselves.  I know that when a lot of people say they are finally ready for a baby, they are talking about the fact that they have already purchased a home, have money in the bank, are secure in their careers, etc.  We did buy a house last year, but truthfully there is never enough money in the bank, and careers in this economy aren’t a sure thing anymore, for anyone.  I’m not sure if there is ever such a thing as “financially ready” when deciding to become a parent.  Emotionally ready though?  Yes, damn straight! 

Now, here's hoping that my physical self will cooperate.